The Suburban Life

Why, oh why, do I continue to watch televison shows focused on paranormal activity?  It’s outright stupid, I tell you.  I vowed, after my last bout of paranoid fear, that I would never watch one of these programs again. 

And then I got all cheeky and decided that I would not let my fears overtake me.  I would “wo-man up” and face my terror.   I would get stronger by confronting the thing that scares me the most and conquering it (no, not the thought of me attending my 20th high school reunion in a bikini…although that runs a close second).  I’m talking about my fear and fascination with the paranormal.  (Wait, now that I think about it, a scantily clad high school reunion definitely takes first place in my utmost fear category.)  But, I digress.

I recently noticed that “Paranormal State” and its sister-show “Psychic Kids” were returning for a new season on A&E.  My immediate thought was that, no, I would not be watching again.   And I stuck to that decision with a resoluteness and underlying willpower completely uncharacteristic of me, until I checked my DVR recordings and noticed that they had already recorded!  And, like a moth to a flame, in a move much more characteristic of me and my utter lack of willpower, I clicked ‘play’ on the remote control and settled into a new season. 

Admittedly, I was a little creeped out after having watched both shows.  And even worse than that, I realized that while I was glued to the boob tube, it got dark outside.  And everyone knows that all kinds of spooky stuff happens in the dark.  Like ghosty stuff.  And creepy stuff.  And paranoid conversations such as:

Me:  Jer, I swear I keep feeling a cold chill.  Like, up my back.  They said on that show when you have cold shivers it’s probably a ghost…or a spirit.

Jer:   First of all, what’s the difference?

Me:  Um, well, I think a spirit is nicer.  Or, maybe it’s the ghost that’s nicer.  But, anyway, that doesn’t matter.  The point is, a cold spot could potentially mean there’s a ghost/spirit crossing your path.  Creepy.

Jer:  Right.  Okay, a ghost.  Or possibly a breeze from the window you opened behind you when you told me to stop touching you because it was “freakin’ hot in here.”

Me: Oh.  I forgot about that window.  Right.  But, get this.  I’m also feeling like someone’s watching me.  It’s like me watching that show has opened up a portal or something. 

Jer:  Okay.  Or it could be Lewis sitting outside the sliding glass door shooting daggers at the back of your head because you forgot to let him back in.

Me:  Dangit!  Sorry, Lew.  You’re right.  Why am I being so paranoid?  It’s stupid.  OH MY GOD!!!  Jer, I swear I just heard my name.  Oh, my God.  Someone just said my name!  I’m not kidding.

Jer (with what appears to be pity smothered all over his face):  Yeah, that would be your daughter.  Remember?  She’s in the shower.

Me:  Oh.

See what I mean?  I’m losing my mind.  And it’s all because of these ridiculous paranormal shows putting freaky thoughts into my already over-excitable imagination.

Rest assured that tonight I will be sleeping with my bedside lamp on high.  I will also require Jer to lay on top of me creating a “human shield” potentially sacrificing himself to any unwelcome nighttime visitors while saving me in the process.  We both know that the kids need me.  I mean, who would remember Avery’s orthodontic appointments and Jack’s obsession with S’mores Poptarts? 

So, my paranormal paranoia is back with a vengeance.  Is my new nighttime routine pathetic?  You betcha.  Is it necessary for attaining a decent amount of shut-eye?  God, yes.

Say your prayers, Mindy

Yowza.  Did anyone see the October 14th Dr. Phil show?  The topic was Stay-at-Home Moms versus Working Moms, aptly named “Guilty Moms”.  You can view the video and access show information at Dr. Phil.com.  Dr. Phil had brought in women who represented both sides of the fence, a few of which were all fired up to defend their decisions.  Now, I typically tend to pass on watching these types of shows because, quite frankly, I hate conflict.  You know those  people (and, maybe you’re one of them) who gravitate towards “entertainment” which centers itself around physical combat, relationship break-ups, and truth reveals (i.e. you thought you married a woman but I’m really a man)?  I am not one of those people.  I have an actual physical reaction to the conflict and I cringe at the awkwardness of it all.  More often than not I end up turning off the program or changing the channel until all that drama is over.  I get so uncomfortable.  It’s weird.

To me, most of the time, the Dr. Phil show falls into that category.  Nothing against the Doc himself but he has had some conflict-ridden show topics.  Therefore, it is not DVR-worthy and does not hold a place in my “scheduled recordings.”  Until yesterday.  I was cruising through my guide on the TV looking for something to watch while I (guess what…folded laundry) and there I saw it…today on Dr. Phil…are SAHM’s better parents than working mothers? 

Whoa, doggie!  Now that’s a debate and a half.  Against all my good judgment, I watched it.  I won’t go into too many details of the show because it wasn’t very riveting and didn’t give me any new insight.  However, the unofficial “spokeswoman” for the stay-at-home mom section was totally off-base and I was a little angry that they chose an overly judgmental woman who held such an ugly prejudice against working moms.  Through her ignorance she misrepresented all of us non-judgmental SAHM’s.   And that ticked me off.  It also reminded me how ridiculous this debate actually is. 

Having made the decision to stay home full time after Jack was born I obviously mulled over the age-old question, “Would staying home make me a better parent?’  And I can honestly answer that in my case, no.  I was an awesome mom before I quit working and I’m still an awesome mom now that I stay home but there have been definite bumps along the road.  They were there when I worked.  They are there now.  The dynamics of my parenting have continually changed out of sheer necessity.  Sure, I have more time now for one-on-one interactions with Avery and Jack but often less patience because I spend my entire day with them (however, thanks to Boston and the invention of public schooling in 1635 one is gone from 8a.m.-3p.m) .  It’s a balance. 

But I really just wanted to post this to tell all you working moms out there…”I ain’t mad at ya.”  I know how much you love your kids.  I don’t doubt your commitment to parenting.  I understand the need to have a life outside of your family.  I firmly believe that kids gain a ton of perspective from socializing outside of your home in daycares and preschools.  I envy you your grown-up conversations and I bet you don’t have a tendency to furiously hurl dirty diapers out the backdoor after you’ve changed your 5th one that day.  In many ways I bet your “normal” is a heck of a lot more normal than mine. 

I want it put on record that I am not one of those sanctimonious SAHM’s who claim that working mothers are substandard parents.   Heck, I’ve seen plenty of substandard parenting from all kinds of voluntarily non-employed mommies.  Idiocy does not discriminate. 

I just thought I’d put it out there. 

Love to all, Mindy

I have to admit something.  I have a sort of addiction that I’m really not proud of.  In fact, I have tried to conquer it but I keep getting dragged back down into the depths of hell…otherwise known as reality television.  More specifically, any show that has to do with raising families, be it families of 8, or even 18.  I just can’t help myself.  It’s like witnessing a train wreck, horrifying yet jaw-droppingly astonishing all at the same time.  I’ve been lured in by the need to compare my life to that of these families dealing with multiple kids.  And for the most part, I am continually amazed at how well they do given the daily obstacles these enlarged families face.  Like lunch time.  And bath time.  Two of the most unsatisfying parts of my day.  And I’m only responsible for two kids’ appetites, and two kids’ hygiene.  I really can’t imagine washing that many body parts on a daily basis.  So, here are a few of the shows that have hooked me (and lost me) as a loyal viewer.

Now, J&K Plus 8 has gone nowhere fast.  I remember when I watched the first episode I thought “what a charming family.”  The babies were adorable, the toddlers were, well toddlers, and the relationship between Jon and Kate seemed real close to home.  Kate’s ball-busting Take No Prisoners approach to running a household and Jon’s easygoing and slow-to-anger temperament is pretty much how we do things around here.  (Except, I’m pretty sure I have better hair than Kate.)  But, soon into the 3rd season the show started stressing me out.  Seriously.  I would sit and cringe while watching the episodes because I couldn’t believe that J&K were treating each other with such disrespect.  And the show also turned away from its humble beginnings.  Goodbye trips to the grocery store on a budget..hello all-expenses paid trips to Hawaii.  I could no longer relate.  (Okay, I”m lying here.  I couldn’t ever relate to this show.  Again…trainwreck appeal.)   Sorry Jon and Kate, but I don’t think we should see each other anymore.  It’s not me.  It’s you.

And 18 Kids and Counting.  Wow.  This woman has physically ejected 18 babies from her womb.  And, now, I’ve just read she is expecting her 19th!  What?!?!?  She’s 42.  19 kids.  After she has this next baby she will have actually been pregnant for almost 16 years of her life.  I am 33, I’ve had two kids, been pregnant a total of 18 months and I’m pretty sure that’s ruined my innards.  And, for any of  you that have watched this show, she must REALLY have God working through her because the woman is a Saint.  Saint Michelle.  She has an unending reserve of patience and has homeschooled all of her children.  I could barely get through Kindergarten math homework without pulling my hair out slowly in an attempt to alleviate the stress brought on by Avery’s inability to recognize that math is not a “guessing” kind of science.  Oh, my God. 

Raising Sextuplets.  Well frankly, this show just pisses me off a little.  Super Mom Jenny has got 6 babies and she runs half-marathons.  Any questions about my exercise history?  Read this.  And, to add insult to injury the woman also had a tummy tuck and breast augmentation to restore her pre-babies body.  Well, good for her.  But I never even had a pre-baby body.  Well, obviously I had a body.  But I would never opt to go under the knife to restore it.   Hell,  for that matter I wouldn’t even want to restore my after-baby body.  But, to Jenny’s credit, she appears to be a really good mom who loves her babies.  She seems to really have her stuff together but also shows her more vulnerable side battling a messy house and naughty babies.  I also admire her tenacity at trying to live a regular life.  For now.  Let’s hope she and Bryan don’t jump on the Jon and Kate train to Splits-ville.

I’ve been thinking about petitioning TLC for my own reality show.  Here’s the hook:  30-something stay-at-home mom of two kids living on a budget.  I’d say that’s pretty original.  I’m holding out for the free trip to Hawaii! 

Love to all, Mindy

“Wait…shhhh….did you hear that?  I’m serious…just a minute.  Can’t you hear that?  It sounds like scratching or something.  Go check.”

What you’ve just experienced is what has become an almost nightly occurance in my bedroom involving me (the freaker) and my hubby, Jer (the checker-outer).  I’ve always been afraid of the dark.  Ever since I was a teenie weenie Mindy I would imagine I heard things in the dark.  My sister and I used to share a room and we had a nightlight located in the hallway right outside.  My sister would want it turned off.  I would want it turned on.  Fighting ensued.  I’m the younger sister.  I usually won.  So, anyway, I’ve been battling the boogeyman for as long as I can remember.   In fact, last night I actually had to stop reading a romance novel with a stalker/serial killer subplot because I thought I remembered seeing a particularly friendly guy on a bike the other day who may just possibly be my stalker.  I mean, it could happen. 

So, it would seem that someone so naturally inclined to find the creepy in life would shy away from anything spooky, right?  Wrong.  I have recently begun to watch a television show which documents real-life ghost busters who also happen to encounter an occasional poltergeist or demon now and then.  I know…smart, huh?  It sure makes a lot of sense for a bonafide chicken-sh*t to find entertainment watching educated people sit in a dark room with night-vision cameras and attempt communication with the dead.  But I continue to do it…every Monday night on “Paranormal State” (A&E).  Paranormal is described by Wikipedia.com as “a general term that describes unusual experiences that lack a scientific explanation, or phenomena alleged to be outside of science’s current ability to explain or measure.”  Okay, that’s really creepy.  And I’ve tried and tried to talk myself out of believing in this particularly controversial topic of science.  But what if all of it is real?  Isn’t it a better strategy to educate oneself in this issue than to turn an unbelieving eye away altogether?  I mean, if I happen to encounter a scary figure of the dead-variety on my midnight trip to the potty I want to know exactly what to do.  I might have to pull out all the stops…some bad ass ninja stuff or some kind of hocus pocus chanting.  Unfortunately, all this education comes at the expense of my already frayed nerves. 

So, should I stop watching this fascinating television show or “man-up” and get some cojones – that’s Spanish for “balls” and I’m not talking the sports-equipment kind.  I know what the right answer is but I also know what the real answer will be.  I’ll keep watching and keep imagining scary things in the night.  But I’m seriously considering a purchase of some holy water, just in case. 

 Love to all, Mindy