Costco (Where the Strong buy Batteries and the Weak buy…Everything?)

We’re all on a budget, right? These economic times have been rough on the lot of us and I’ve joined the ranks of the many trying to spend smarter/save wiser. Then why, oh why, would I continue to send my husband into that financial sinkhole more commonly known as Costco?

Let me set the scene for you:

Him: Hey, honey. I need some rechargeable batteries. I’m going to head to Costco. Need anything?

Me: (Looking at him speculatively) Are you sure that’s ALL you need? Batteries?

Him: Yeah. That’s all I’m getting. Do you need anything?

Me: So let me get this right. You are going to Costco and all you’re going to buy are batteries and the things I ask you to pick up?

Him: (Looking at me like I’ve lost my ever-loving mind) Yeeesss.

Me: (Looking at him with worry given his sudden memory loss) So, if I say I need spinach, bananas and bread you’re only going to buy batteries, spinach, bananas and bread?

Him: (Quickly losing his patience with this conversation) Um, yeah. Batteries, spinach, bananas and bread. I’m going now.

Me: Alrighty. See you back here with batteries, spinach, bananas and bread?

Him: Ya.

End scene.

Have you ever seen the movie “The Jerk”? Do you remember a certain scene where Navin (played by comedic genius Steve Martin) after a heated moment with his lady love is telling her he’s leaving and he needs absolutely nothing.

“I don’t need this stuff and I don’t need you. I don’t need anything — except this, this ash tray, and that’s the only thing I need is this! I don’t need nothin’ but this – just this ash tray, and this paddle game. The ash tray and the paddle game – and that’s all I need, and this – the remote control. The ash tray, the paddle game and the remote control, that’s all I need. And these matches. The ash tray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball. And this lamp. That’s right. This paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp and that’s all I need. And that’s all I need too! I don’t need one other thing. Not one – I need this – the paddle game and the chair and the remote control and the matches, for sure.”

Argumentatively one of the funniest scenes (and movies) of all time, and strangely, an almost perfect parallel to Jer and his shopping trips to Costco.

I have this vision of him walking the aisles of that addictive warehouse pulling random things off the shelves.

“I don’t need this stuff..I don’t need anything — except these Red Baron pizzas, and that’s the only thing I need are these! I don’t need nothin’ but this — just these pizzas, and this Swiffer. The pizzas and the Swiffer – and that’s all I need, and this — a car waxing kit. The pizzas, the Swiffer and the car waxing kit, that’s all I need. And these lighters. The pizzas, the Swiffer, the car waxing kit and these lighters. And this Armor-All gift set. That’s right. The pizzas, the Swiffer, the car waxing kit, the lighters and this Armor-All gift set. That’s all I need!

He can’t help himself, you guys. I send him for four things and he brings home 2 packing boxes full. And yet I still send him. Why? Because I’m lazy and don’t have the patience to stand in those Godforsaken lines waiting to checkout and then attempt to navigate my way past the hordes of lunchgoers trying to decide between a chicken bake or polish sausage. And Jer? He loves it.

So I guess I will continue to find space for all of his finds and the money to pay for it and he will continue to preserve my sanity. What a lovely duo we make, eh?



  1. Paul says

    That’s what I like about Costco – I know what I need when I go, but they put more things in front of me that I didn’t know I needed too. Brilliant.

  2. Amber says

    this makes me giggle because I’m Jer in this scenario!
    “Babe I’m going to run to Costco for like 3 things” $120 later…….
    however yesterday I managed to get in & get out w/ my two items and a still sleeping baby!! holla!!!
    at least you know what you’re dealing with when Jer goes!!

  3. wifemothereventplanner says

    I agree with the post completely – also – is the apocalypse coming, are stores closing forever? If the answer is no, I need to calm down at these stores.

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