Top Five “What the Heck” Google Searches

Happy Monday, everyone! I hope you all had an awesome weekend! We had a busy couple of days but sometimes packing your weekend full of plans is just the answer. There’s nothing like a hectic schedule to justify a little Sunday napping. Okay. Who are we kidding here? I never attempt to find justification for my daytime REM. I am Mindy. And I nap.

Another part of my Sunday ritual (besides napping) is to check up on my blog stats.A few months ago my hubby set me up with a Google Analytics account. This is a program that monitors the activity to my blog by providing stats regarding visits, loyalty trending (hello you visitors who abandon me after realizing how neurotic I am) as well as providing information onwhich states have been represented (I’m talking to you, Wyoming. Why the snub? Is it because I accidentally ran over that little protectedtree at Yellowstone? Come on…that was like 13 years ago…time to let it go.)

Another handy dandy little tool that Google Analytics provides is a keyword overview. This tracks google searches that result in directing traffic to my site. I spent a good bit of my morning today shaking my head trying to figure out how these ‘googlers’ found my blog. I spent the other part trying to figure out what would possibly possess someone to search these specific keywords. You’llsee why.

Here area few of my favorites:

1) “My Amazing Boobs” – Wait, are you telling me that my ladies are so renown that Google hastaken it upon itself to direct these booby googlersto my blog? Well, gosh. Thank you, Google. I’m very flattered. I have been working out a little bit lately, chest presses and all that. Glad you’ve taken notice!

2) “Bum Wiped by Mum” – So, here’s my question about this one. Was this person the “bum” or the “mum”? Were they perhaps looking for some information about hygiene? Ormaybe they were researching some dope rhymes for their new rap single?Most likely Mum’s having a hard time letting goand the Bum is having personal boundary issues. Sorry I had no information for you here dude. Hope you’re wiping your own soon!

3) “Poop Training Boy in One Day” – Alright, this one is just mean. It’s like the world-at-large is throwing a big old “In Your Face” at me and my pathetic attempts at freeing my son from the shackles that bind him. Or, more like the velcro tabbed diapersthat support his pooping habi therefor shackling me. I’m trying, people!

4) “Cowboy Junkie Suburban Housewife” – Sandee…is that you? My BFF knows allabout my slightly unhealthy obsession with cowboys. I know I’m not the only one…there’s just something about those chap-wearin’cow wranglers with their’free agent’ attitudeto make a girl yodel “Yee Haw.” And the addition of ‘Suburban Housewife’ to the search query is certainly apropros…us housewives read a lot of Harlequin Romance.

5) “I Hate Our Mailman” – I’m trying to figure out what would possess someone to google this. Just what, exactly, are they hoping to find? A support group? Some message boards? They felt this burningneed to find andrelate with other extremely unsatisfied mail recipients? For the record, my mailman and I have been on very pleasant grounds as of late. I’m pretty sure his distaste for his job and all it entails has lessened slightly. He no longer looks like he’s picturing horrible things happening to me while sucking on a pickled egg. Thank God. I was starting to get a little creeped out.

So, there you have it. Almost six months’ worth of baring my soul and it took “My Amazing Boobs” to draw people to this blog. I should have known. It always comes back to the boobs. And the cowboy junkies.

Happy Monday,

Mindy

A little uninspired

So I am sitting here at my tiny little adorable netbook…completely uninspired. At a total loss for words. I have absolutely no story, no lesson, no humorous anecdote, no glimpse into my crazy life, no frustrations, no sarcasm, and no life-changing realizations.

I’m just…eh.

That’s not such a bad thing, in most cases. ‘Eh’ has gotten me out of a lot of situations.

I should really run to the grocery store and get that milk that’s on sale before the coupon expires. Eh. Later.

I have got to get that linen closet cleaned out. The kidscan’t keep using paper towels to dry off with.Eh. Later.

That workout DVD ain’t gonna play itself. Eh. Later.

See what I mean? In some cases, it really comes in handy. As a blog writer? Mmm, not so much. Since beginning my foray into the written word I’ve published 88 blogs andapproximately 44,000 words. I’ve talked. A lot. About all kinds of issues. Mostly without a single hiccup. Until tonight.

This got me thinking…do you ever have those moments? What causes a loss of inspiration?

Lord knows I’ve got plenty to write about around here.Like, for instance, I could write about my son, Jack’s, somewhat concerning new habitof pulling his underpants andblue jeans down to rest underneath his naked butt cheeks. Or that my daughter, Avery, has started conversing with me in her own rendition of ‘gangster rap’ complete with “yo-yo’s” and gang signs. I could also write about my husband, Jer, channeling his 13 year-old self and staying up late to play lame games on his Xbox and then being all, “Gawd, I’m tired, geez. Let me sleep a little longer,” the next morning during my many attempts to WAKE HIM UP so I can pull up the covers and make the bed.

See? Plenty of things to write about. But I’m still…eh. I think I’ll do some research on google and see if this lack of inspiration mightbe related to mycutting out carbs today. I’m pretty sure these low-carb diets are of the devil. If I find any correlation it’s back to bagels, baby.

Happy Friday everyone!

Mindy

“Over the Top”…or “Under the Bottom”. Whatever.

Okay, I’m nervous. Why am I nervous? Because I have an assignment. Like an actual “do this or you will let down all of mankind.” Okay, not quite so dramatic but in my little sheltered existence where the biggest expectation I face most days is making sure that everyone has clean underwear (a task at which I have miserably failed at times) this assignment has rocked my world a tiny bit.

What is this super important assignment you ask? Get ready to be super impressed. My blogging talents have been recognized. I know, right? My cyber-friend, the blogger-extraordinaire a.k.a “Spot” with What Passes for Sane on a Crazy Day has tagged me to answer 35 questions with one word because she thinks I’m “Over the Top!” Which, all I can say is, thatspeaks volumes coming from her. She’s flippin’ hilarious and authors one of the blogs that I find myself looking forward to reading on a daily basis.Read it. You’ll be glad you did. So, anyway, obviously she recognizes my burgeoning talent and feels it her responsiblity to acknowledge all of my hard work and properlyintroduce me to the world. (Or, she’s just following the rules of the award which states she has to tag 6 bloggers to answer some questions and she knows I would have nothing better to do. Which I don’t.) Although, I prefer to think it’s the former and not the latter.

Okay, so here’s the thing. As I stated, I’m supposed to answer 35 questions using one word, right? Shouldn’t be a problem, right? Wrong. I’m horrible at these kinds of things. So you know those “get to know me” emails that circulate around periodically (and they’re usually from the same people and you’ve gotten like 10 of them and you’re like, don’t you know me by now? Why do you care what my favorite polka song is?). Here’s the thing. I lie.Through my teeth.Favorite memory? Oh, easy…the birth of my children. Truth: Getting drunk one night and getting hit on by that hot (albeit smashed) twenty-one year old. Dream man? No problem…my hubby. Truth: George Clooney. I also lie on my Facebook quizzes to get a better result. You get the picture. Pathetic, but true. So this timeI am resolving to use the utmost honesty when answering the following questions. Maybe.

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Your hair? Semi-fro
3. Your mother? Strong
4. Your father? Fighter
5. Your favorite food? Pizza
6. Your dream last night? Embarrassing
7. Your favorite drink? DietCoke
8. Your dream/goal? Security
9. What room are you in? Kitchen
10. Your hobby? Sleeping (See? I’m trying here…I was going to say attaining World Peace)
11. Your fear? Fear
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Blogging
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren’t? Shy
15. Muffins? Blueberry
16. Wish list item? Money (I almost went with World Peace, again. I’m growing.)
17. Where did you grow up? Podunk-ville
18. Last thing you did? Exercised (Seriously, I’m not lying on this one.)
19. What are you wearing? Nothing (Okay, I lied again. PJ’s)
20. Your TV? Xbox
21. Your pets? Strange
22. Friends? Loyal
23. Your life? Slapstick
24. Your mood? Sarcastic (Pray for Jer)
25. Missing someone? Nope
26. Vehicle? BMW (God, I can’t stop myself. Sorry. Expedition)
27. Something you’re not wearing: Bra
28. Your favorite store? TJ Maxx
29. Your favorite color? Green
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday
32. Your best friend? Sandee (and Sara…and Jodi)
33. One place that I go to over and over? Walgreens (I’m addicted.)
34. One person who emails me regularly? Dr. Jones from the UK(he wants to wire me $395,000 – I’m still thinking about it.)
35. Favorite place to eat? SnoCap

So, there. I did it. Whew. I’m exhausted. This honesty crap takes work.

Love to all, Mindy