Why, oh why, do I continue to watch televison shows focused on paranormal activity? It’s outright stupid, I tell you. I vowed, after my last bout of paranoid fear, that I would never watch one of these programs again.
And then I got all cheeky and decided that I would not let my fears overtake me. I would “wo-man up” and face my terror. I would get stronger by confronting the thing that scares me the most and conquering it (no, notthe thought of me attending my 20th high school reunionin a bikini…although that runs a close second). I’m talking about my fear and fascination with the paranormal. (Wait, now that I think about it, a scantily clad high school reunion definitely takes first place in my utmost fear category.) But, I digress.
I recentlynoticed that “Paranormal State” and its sister-show “Psychic Kids” were returning for a new seasonon A&E. My immediate thought was that, no, I would not be watching again. And I stuck to that decisionwith a resoluteness and underlying willpower completely uncharacteristic of me, until I checked my DVR recordings and noticed that they had already recorded! And, like a moth to a flame,in a move much more characteristic of me and my utter lack of willpower, I clicked ‘play’ on the remote control and settled into a new season.
Admittedly, I was a little creeped out after having watched both shows. And even worse than that, I realized thatwhile I was glued to the boob tube, it got dark outside. And everyone knows that all kinds of spooky stuff happens in the dark. Like ghosty stuff. And creepy stuff. And paranoid conversations such as:
Me: Jer, I swear I keep feeling a cold chill. Like, up my back. They said on that show when you have cold shivers it’s probably a ghost…or a spirit.
Jer: First of all, what’s the difference?
Me: Um, well, I think a spirit is nicer. Or, maybe it’s the ghost that’s nicer. But, anyway, that doesn’t matter. The point is, a cold spot could potentially mean there’s a ghost/spirit crossing your path. Creepy.
Jer: Right. Okay,a ghost.Or possibly a breeze from the window you opened behind you when you told me to stop touching you becauseit was “freakin’ hot in here.”
Me: Oh. I forgot about that window. Right. But, get this. I’m also feeling like someone’s watching me. It’s like me watching that show has opened up a portal or something.
Jer: Okay. Or it could be Lewis sitting outside the sliding glass door shooting daggers at the back of your head because you forgot to let him back in.
Me: Dangit! Sorry, Lew. You’re right. Why am I being so paranoid? It’s stupid. OH MY GOD!!! Jer, I swear I just heard my name. Oh, my God. Someone just said my name! I’m not kidding.
Jer (with what appears to be pity smothered all over his face): Yeah, that would be your daughter. Remember? She’s in the shower.
See what I mean? I’m losing my mind. And it’s all because of these ridiculous paranormal shows putting freaky thoughts into my already over-excitable imagination.
Rest assured that tonight I will be sleeping with my bedside lamp on high. I will also require Jer tolay on top of me creating a “human shield” potentially sacrificing himselfto any unwelcome nighttime visitors while saving me in the process. We both know that the kids need me. I mean, who would remember Avery’s orthodontic appointments and Jack’s obsession with S’mores Poptarts?
So,my paranormal paranoia is back with a vengeance. Is my new nighttime routine pathetic? You betcha. Is it necessary for attaining a decent amount of shut-eye? God, yes.
Say your prayers, Mindy