The Outdoors…it ain’t my thang.

In honor of Spring and the gorgeous bounty of blossoms and foliage she affords us (or so I’m told) I thought I would address the ever-pressing thorn in my side, the hard truth I’ve come to realize and embrace.

I hate the outdoors.

I touched upon this subject here after experiencing a life-changing moment with a lawnmower. I felt it important to update you all that, well, I haven’t changed.

Facebook has some definite pros and cons. But one thing I’ve certainly come to realize from the constant status updates and wall posts is that a large group of my friends get the “itch” to get their hands dirty when that sun comes peeking its hot little head out from between the clouds.

Um, itch? What would that feel like exactly? About the only time I feel an itch to get outside into the great outdoors is if there’s a fabulous sidewalk sale somewhere and handbags are up to 60% off.

I wish I had that natural affinity with nature. But after really giving it the old college try I’ve come up with some truths which deeply influence my preference for being indoors:

1) The outdoors smell, well, like the outdoors. If Mother Nature could figure out a way to infuse a Fruit Punch Scentsy melt into the air I might consider spending more time out there!

2) The outdoors get hot. I’ve considered going all 19th Century heroine and traveling around with a lace-edged fan and parasol but I’m quite sure that I would need to trade up my yoga pants ensemble into something a bit more parasol-worthy. Like a hoop skirt. But I don’t need any help in accentuating my hips, thank you very much.

3) The outdoors have bugs. Need I say more about that? I mean, who goes outside saying to themselves, “Oh, I can’t wait to encounter a fabulous insect today!”

Now, I’m nothing if not accommodating to certain exceptions to the rule.

Camping. I love to camp! I’m pretty sure the comforts-of-home on wheels probably has a lot to do with that as well as our unspoken agreement that it is perfectly acceptable to drink rum and cokes after breakfast!

Barbecues. I love me some good spur-of-the-moment barbecues with friends. Especially if there’s potato salad. And wine coolers. I’m a class act like that.

I’m really hoping I’ll someday grow into loving the outdoors. I have a healthy respect for all it has to offer I’m just not in the place where I’m ready to avail myself of all its splendor.

My situation is all the more complicated given the fact that I married an avid outdoorsman. For now, I’ll let him experience the beauty of nature and then come inside my freshly scented, air conditioned, bug-free abode and tell me all about it.

Mindy