I have previously disclosed that I am attempting to become at “one” with the gym and get my fitness on while subsequently attempting to lose major poundage. The only real obstacle to reaching my goal (besides my self-diagnosed inability to burn calories) is my frustrating bout of plantar fasciitis in my left foot rendering me completely incapable of using a treadmill. And I love the treadmill. And it loves me. We have chemistry.
But, despite our mutual adoration, I cannot use it at the moment and have been trying to find alternate ways of dripping sweat. Until yesterday I have been solely using the EFX, also known as the elliptical. It is a great non-impact way to torch major calories and read a steamy romance novel at the same time. And it’s been great. Unfortunately, I have the attention span of an inattentive four year-old and I have been getting quite bored at “faux-walking”.
Yesterday, as I begrudgingly plodded toward the EFX I noticed a new machine sitting innocently in the corner behind the treadmills. Shooting hateful glances at the EFX (I’m mature like that) I tentatively approached the new machine and gave it a good once-over.
It appeared to be a giant moving staircase! Much like a stairmaster, but instead of stationary stepping, this machine required actual climbing. I considered going back to my trusty EFX for a nanosecond but then climbed aboard the machine and started pressing buttons. I experienced a moment of panic as the steps began to move but then I reasoned that I have climbed stairs before and, hey, what could be so hard about it?
Oh. My. God. I’m quite sure that machine’s got the devil in it. There’s absolutely no way that a piece of equipment could exude pure evil without Satanic forces behind it. I lasted ten minutes on that God-forsaken machine and I’m lucky for it. Between the incessant stair movement, the seven-foot vertical profile and the ultra-Ninja coordination necessary to operate said equipment I am fortunate to have survived this experience.
I have further proof that this stairclimber is Evil Incarnate…I can’t stop thinking about it. I now have this deep-seeded need to conquer this machine and will undoubtedly be trying it again tomorrow. But this next time I will be prepared, with a sweat rag and a crucifix.
Wish me luck.