Jack loves music. At any given point in the day, the spunky three year-old is humming, dancing, singing or tapping his fingers and/or toes to the rolodex of melodies running amok in his mind. To watch the child is to witness first-hand the saying “mile-a-minute” because that is the speed at which his brain is working.
Being the poster-mom for awareness I am consistently monitoring the quality of music I allow to pass through Jack’s eardrums. Okay, “poster-mom” might be a slight exaggeration. Well, for that matter, “awareness” and “consistently monitoring” could also be a bit of a misrepresentation but let’s not dwell on that.
Last week, I was cleaning the kitchen (surprise, surprise, surprise) while watching Jack try to pull off a pilates move on my newest exercise machine, the Pilates Performer. Recently my parents, craving a clutter-free office, passed the two-pulleyed death machine my way. The only problem is that I have no manual or exercise chart to reference and have been forced to create my own special form of pilates…the Mindylates. I know, great name, right? Basically it consists of a lot of laying down, exercise handles in ready position and contemplating moving. Baby steps, really.
Anyway, so I’m washing something or wiping down something and look over to see Jack pulling himself back and forth on the Pilates machine. It takes me about a millisecond of observation to realize he’s moving in a certain rhythm and mumbling to himself.
I smiled, watching my youngest thoroughly enjoying himself. And then quite suddenly, shattering the endearing moment, I hear the following words spill out of the innocent babe’s mouth…
“Let’s talk about sex baby…duh, duh, duh, duh…”
Completely unbeknownst to the little man jamming to Salt ‘n Pepa in his own private concert, his mother was standing behind him utterly shell-shocked.
Once I was able to pick myself back up off the floor I stammered, “Jack? What did you just say???”
He turned around to look up at me, cocked his head to one side, and in what I swear was cinematic slow motion, answered, “I said ssssseeeeexxxxx.”
Now, there are certain things that universally should never happen. Like for instance, dogs shouldn’t meow. The sun shouldn’t rain. Water shouldn’t make you fat (although I have some theories about this one). And three year-olds should not say the word “sex.”
Still reeling in shock I managed to ask, “Jackson…um…where on earth did you hear that?”
And Avery, suddenly manifesting out of nowhere to succeedinglydeepen my humiliation answered, “Oh. We heard that song on that tape you gave us to listen to. Remember? When you told us to go play and we said we didn’t want to and you said ‘tough, go listen to this tape?'”
“Sex!” Jack piped in, now performig scissor kickson the pilates machine. (Note to self ~ Jack couldtotally be my personal trainer.)
“Jack! You don’t need to keep saying it, okay?” I pleaded.
Avery added, “Yeah…there’s this whole song about sex. On your tape. The one you made us listen to.”
Good Lord.
“Yeah, sex!” Jack yelled.
“Okay. Kids. S-E-X is not a word that we typically use when we’re three and seven years old, okie dokie?” Deep breaths.
“Okie dokie,” Avery answered. My little angel. We both looked at Jack, awaiting his confirmation of the emergency-enacted ‘Let’s Not Talk About Sex’ policy.
With a twinkle in his mischevious eye he said, “Okay, mommy.” Which, in three year-old speak totally means, “Okay, mommy, untilwe are standing in a busy grocery store line behind the pastor, the school principal and the PTA president during which time I will ultimately decide to spontaneously yell the forbidden word with verve and vigor.”
Thanks, son.
I dodged a bullet here, folks. I have no doubts that the next time this conversation comes up it will most likely be accompanied by a little spunk and a whole lot of curiosity.
Until then, I will continue to live ina little bit of shame for the junk I subject my kids to and a whole lot of fear for the inevitable.
Pray for me.
Mindy
I think ths my favorite post of yours…I can so identify! And wait because it will happen! Just let us get a laugh, too – so make sure you blog about it!
Thanks Suzicate! Oh, yes…I am lying in wait for the day the BIG questions pops up. And no worries…I’m sure the entire conversation will be blogged. Even if for nothing more than just some parental support! =)
Mindy
That story is totally hilarious but only because it happened at your house instead of mine. 🙂
Thanks Mindee…yes. That’s the parental support I was referring to. =)
Mindy
Hilarious! It’s interesting how these words just go right over kids’ heads. When I hear the song “Greased Lightning,” I’m STUNNED at the words I used to sing along with as a kid, having no idea what they meant!
You are so right about “Greased Lightning”! That’s a dirty little ditty…but I love it! =)
Mindy
I’m waiting for the day my 5 year old blurts out the words to AC/DC’s “Big Balls”. Yeah, probably at a PTA meeting.
God, I remember being in about 5th grade singing that song ever so quietly on the school bus. Memories! =)
Mindy
When Needle Boy was tiny, maybe two, I was trying to fix a curtain rod in his room, and instead of getting out the drill and mounting the bracket properly, I tried to pound it in place with a hammer and nails. Of course, I hit my thumb. I screamed, “SH*T!”
Then two year old sitting on the carpet got up and started running around in circles crying, “Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!”
Great….
When the throbbing in my thumb stopped enough that I could speak, I looked the child straight in the eye and said, “Honey, I only said that word because I really hurt myself. That is not a word little kids say. I don’t want to hear you saying that word.”
And the little blue eyed prince looked up at me and said, “No sh*t?”
No shi*t indeed.
And good luck with that inevitable encounter with the Very Important Person. You just know it’s coming. 😉
That is hilarious! And so something my little man would say. I shutter in anticipation… =)
Mindy
I totally feel your grief! I had a similar moment with Chase! I had the tv on music videos which I really don’t watch that often and Britney Spears was on singing Womanizer. I came in the living room and Chase was staring at the tv, he asked me why all those girls were after that guy! I said not really thinking…oh he is a womanizer and all those girls are after him! So then Chase proceeds to say well thats what I what to be when I grow up a womanizer!! We don’t listen to Britney Spears anymore!!
I remember you telling me that story and it still cracks me up! After all, what little boy doesn’t grow up wishing to be a womanizer? For that matter, what adult man doesn’t? =)
Mindy
Why is it always words like that they spew. Why cant they yell “cheeseburger” or “petunia”. When Jake was little his expression was “did you see that Fu*&.er monster out there?” Dont know where or how he heard that one.
I know, right? Jack pulls out all kinds of phrases…I’m pretty sure he’s watching late night TV. =)
Mindy
I love this post! I love how you paint the picture of cleaning the kitchen and the underused exercise equipment…It makes me feel okay with my own life. Cuz that’s what you’re here for Mindy. To make me okay with my own inadequacies as a parent.
Now. Don’t you feel better?
As long as we’re communally inadequate… =)
Mindy
Oh, darn! Time to bring back Barney!
Ha!
My husband taught my young girls,
“Save a horse, ride a cowboy.”
Fabulous!
My 7 year old was listening to that on my iPod the other day and innocently asked me…”Mom, how would someone even ride a cowboy?” Hmm. =)
Mindy
The image of you being shell-shocked, took me over the edge. Sorry! LOL!
Hopefully that time will come many many years from now!
That’s my prayer… =)
Mindy
Bwahahahaha!! That made my day! Thank you! 😀 (sorry, couldn’t help myself! LOL)
Hey, that’s what I’m here for… =)
Mindy
I think lil Jack and lil Molly (age 5) should get together. Her favorite thing to do is lift up her dress and gyrate in her panties, but thank god she is not grabbing her crotch anymore. I felt like a Baptist preacher wife yelling out at her and pointing to her actions, “Inappropriate! IN-A-propriate young lady!”
Wouldn’t we be so proud of our little darlings? *lol*
They sound like a match made in heaven! =)
Mindy
My twin brother had a major crush on my fifth grade teacher. So one day during language arts as she was walking around passing out papers he turned around in his seat as she approached and sang to her:
“I like big butts and I cannot lie…”
He will never live that down.
That’s so funny. Kind of reminds me of a friend of mine. As they were driving by an adult shop, her little 5-year old said, “Look, mommy! There’s the love shop!” Her mom was freaked out wondering how she knew that. She calmly asked, “Why do you say that?” Her daughter responded because it had a heart in the window. There was a neon heart in the window. Kids pick up on so much!