I’m pretty sure this post will not be featured in any feminist magazines nor will I be asked to be thekeynote speaker at any futureNOW conventions but I had some revelations today about my husband and the male race, in general. As I was watching my hubby heft gigantic extension cords and Christmas lights all over the rooftopin 20 degree weather as I sat cozily inside sipping hot coffee with heat blasting at my feet I couldn’t help but thank the Lord in heaven that I am not a man, more specifically a man married to me. Sure, women have some pretty hefty crosses to bear, i.e. pregnancy, birth, menstruation, occasional outbursts of pent-up emotions primarily induced by fluctuating hormones, menopause and an overall sense of urgency to save the world and all those who inhabit it. But men, they are a different creature altogether and have a set of obligations I am glad to be sheltered from.
Allow me to explain.
1) Men have hair growing on their faces at alarming rates. Okay, so I know some women (and have occasionally experienced this myself) who can grow hair to rival the manliest of men but in general, women have been spared this phemonenon. My hubby can shave first thing in the morning and by 1:00 that same afternoon look like he’s prepping for the Iditarod. That would drive me insane as I hate it when my legs start sproutingthe 2nd or 3rd day after shavingand hairstarts poking through my bed sheets.
2) I’m not great with insects or rodents. My hubby has the job of exterminating from existence anything which crosses my path. Be it spider, mouse or those black beetle-looking things which hover on doorjams ready to inject some mysterious poison into my bloodstream rendering me incapable of calling for help it is his sworn duty to take it away. I don’t care what he does with it, whether it bemeeting its maker or he goes all Grizzly Adams and releases it back into the wild,as long as it exits my humble abode.
3) I lose all sense of reason when auto maintenance is necessary. It once took me 6 attempts to center my car over the hydraulic lifts at an Oil Can Henrys. I would pull forward andthe dude in the1914 version of a skullcap would wave me back. I’dback up, lock in on the floor markers andslowly make my way forward. Damn. Missed it agian. I seriouslywanted a cigarette after all was said and done and I don’t even smoke. Jer has sincetaken over all things auto. I say,” Good Riddance!”
4) You may already know about my aversion to yardcare. I wholeheartedly admit that this task is often either sharedor assigned to the female in many households. But, in my house this is Jer’s job through and through. If yard maintenance were up to me we would probably have a front and back gravel pit. I love the look of a nicely manicured lawn but cannot muster the patience or skill to produce one. I recently took a stab at raking leaves much to the astonishment of my husband. I got halfway done when a big gust of wind blew threw and scattered my hard work allto hell. I’m glad school hadn’t gotten out yet and there were no kids outside to witness my behavior following the mini windstorm. Let’s just say it was not one of my finest moments. But, short of burning down the front yard, it was a necessary output of mygrowing frustration.
5) My winter driving skills are not up to par. Again, I know there are plenty of women out there with mad driving skills. Huge props to you. I am not one of them. Under the most optimal of conditions I am mediocre at best. I react irrationally, use my brakes more often than necessary, creep down the freeway amidst a melody of honking horns and cursing men and alwayspee my pantsjusta teensy bit.
Now, I readily admit that this list is comprised of things that in most relationships both partners can handle. But, this is my relationship and my list. It has taken 10 years to clearly define the parameters of our matrimony but we have now successfully drawn the lines. I’ll handle the cooking, cleaning and maintenance of the house all the while keeping both of my children clothed, bathed, educated and alive.
Jer happily accepts his list.
LOL Boy oh boy, you are quite the “girly girl”, huh? I am the exact opposite of you, it seems … well for everything on your list except the hair growth part. And not even so much on that, since I grow whiskers at an alarming rate, too. I love bugs and rodents, in fact I want a pet rat! 🙂 Our arrangement is that Bill goes to work, and I take care of everything else that I can manage to take care of when I’m feeling up to it (health-wise). I try not to let him do any maintenance type things, ’cause he has zero patience or knowledge about such things.
Now, make-up, hair and clothing and all that “high maintenance” stuff … I’m clueless. LOL
Yes, I am kind of a girly-girl. Always have been, probably always will be. But, hey…there’s a place on this planet for all of us, eh? =)
Amen to clearly defined gender roles. Add “shoveling snow” to me list. Oh! and digging pet graves. That’s also Rich’s job.
Wow…I’d say Rich got the short end of the stick on that one, Mindee. Thank God for husbands! =)
I’m with you on all counts…knew you’d get the hair thing in there! Great post.
Thanks!! The hair situation is just shocking. I can’t imagine growing it at supersonic rates and proportions. =)
Ha! Hubby won’t let me touch the lawnmower, which I’m happy to accept when it’s 100 out. I just make sure he has a nice cold glass of lemonade when he comes in. Hehe. I like to play the 1940’s housewife sometimes. 🙂
Well…I don’t quite qualify as the 1940’s housewife type. But, there are many things I happily hand over to the hubby, demurely, if he needs me to. =)
Around my neck of the woods, carrying luggage is man work. I’m completely capable, but I have just decided this should be his job. Thankfully, with the boys quickly approaching man size, he’s finally got some help!
Totally with you there…but then you know how the rest of all that goes around here! I load/unload the wagon and he drives it. =)
Hi Min, I wish Ray could do half of what Jer does for you! Ray just tells he doesn’t know how to hang up Chritmas lights! I know how, just lack stregth and its hard to hang Christmas light when I would have two kids climbing up the ladder after me!! In my house Ray’s job in the garbage and all the heavy lifting. But maybe after a few more year of marriage I can add a few more things to the list!
Yep…that’s the ticket! Slowly add tasks to the list around each anniversary. Jer has no idea what’s in store for him come next August! =)
Yep you summed it up pretty well. Men should do all the yukky jobs! HeHe ~Valerie
Agreed…however somehow I ended up with the cleaning up kids’ puke job. Seems to me that should fall under the “yukky” category. =)
LOL, you are hysterical!! Let me wipe my eyes!
1) hubby quit shaving for that very reason. Thank goodness I haven’t started sprouting chin hairs YET!
2) I deal with the small stuff like spiders and bugs, hubby deals with snakes and rodents.
3) I am not allowed to even try to do maintenance on our trucks. I scare the hubby too much!
4) Unfortunetely all yard work falls to me, hubby would really like to kill all the grass and pave over it.
5) I used to love to drive, but over the years I have got to where I hate it!
My hubbies lines are clear, work and make money, trash, all things auto and remote king!
There is definitely something to be said for cleary defined lines. And it sounds like ours are pretty close…well, except for the yard stuff because me and all things outdoors DO NOT MIX. =)
A. I wholly concur with you on all items.
B. All items are also completely reasonable expectations in my particular marriage as well.
Well, thank you Christina. Glad to hear you all have it figured out too! =)
I couldnt fix a car if my life depended on it. One thing about remaining single, I have to do all this crap myself. Yard, carry heavy stuff. I dont get up on the roof though, no way and when I see snake I usually call my mommy. I love to watch men doing “sweaty man stuff”. I wonder if I could order one from the net??????
You know, I’m pretty sure you could. Just be careful to check references, you don’t want Dateline showing up at your place to include you in their annual “sting” operation. =)
Lol! As a girl, I feel the same way but I live on my own and Jason is miles away. Alas, I have to do the dirty work, but trust me I will surrender it gladly, if we do get married. Plus I did call him to “take care of” the cute little mouse I caught in the garage. It was a see through box trap. I got smart and used the black trap next time, and happily tossed it myself. Blech.
Thank you for all your thoughts this past week. I appreciate it sooo much.
You’re very welcome Angelia, and I’m glad to “see” that you are doing so well!
It’s funny where mice are concerned…the hubby had to move on to the covered traps because he had a hard time dealing with the other ones. Me? I just stand on my chair until it’s out of the house. =)
I’ll confess to being flummoxed about how to respond to this post. I pride myself in being independent. I don’t mind bugs or bats. I can mow the yard (but I don’t). But I have to confess that I secretly (you all will keep this between us, right?) love having a man around to do the heavy lifting. And they’re so cute to look at too!
You know what Marly? I completely agree with you. There is something about the brute strength in a man…especially when they’re not even aware of it themselves. Hmm. =)
Lisa Eyre says
This is my favorite post yet!!